…for what I am.
…for being the way I am.
…for not being able to change myself.
…for hurting so many of you.
…for hurting YOU.
I hate myself…for being me!
Monday, January 30, 2006
Nuts!
…for what I am.
…for being the way I am.
…for not being able to change myself.
…for hurting so many of you.
…for hurting YOU.
I hate myself…for being me!
Monday, January 23, 2006
The Question Is, Why?
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
- Neil Gaiman (English born American Author of “The Sandman”, b.1960)
Ok, I don’t hate love. But is love really an overrated factor in life? No, I need to be more specific here. Not love in general, but that love you have for a special someone. That’s the one am talking about. Let's see...
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Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Naheeeeeee...!
Damn it!
It’s happened, just like I was afraid it would. I’ve been tagged!!!
And hence the melodramatic (??) title for this post.
(For those who don’t know what “Naheeeeee…” means, it’s “Noooooooo…” in Hindi... Err... Hindi movies to be more specific… used mostly by characters who are getting abused, tortured, tormented, raped, killed and so on. Explains a lot, doesn’t it?)
The deal is, I’ve to give a list of 15 things I would like to do before the age of 40. Grrrr… Nivi.. I’ll avenge myself for this.
Hmmm. now…me being the dreamer I am (not the ones I dream with my eyes closed, but the ones I do with them open.. and somebody said such people are dangerous. Ahem! Point to be noted by some people… *wink* wink*) I have a long list of “wish I could do” and “man, I have to do that” things. Picking just 15 from them that I think I wanna do before am 40, ain’t that easy. And right now, am too busy to even write and post something. But somehow, I manage.
So, 15 things to do? Before the age of 40? Now that’s something to wish for, considering that I’m fast entering the last year of my 20s. That leaves me with just 11 years, but what the heck! Here goes…
Show/Hide Full Post...
It’s happened, just like I was afraid it would. I’ve been tagged!!!
And hence the melodramatic (??) title for this post.
(For those who don’t know what “Naheeeeee…” means, it’s “Noooooooo…” in Hindi... Err... Hindi movies to be more specific… used mostly by characters who are getting abused, tortured, tormented, raped, killed and so on. Explains a lot, doesn’t it?)
The deal is, I’ve to give a list of 15 things I would like to do before the age of 40. Grrrr… Nivi.. I’ll avenge myself for this.
Hmmm. now…me being the dreamer I am (not the ones I dream with my eyes closed, but the ones I do with them open.. and somebody said such people are dangerous. Ahem! Point to be noted by some people… *wink* wink*) I have a long list of “wish I could do” and “man, I have to do that” things. Picking just 15 from them that I think I wanna do before am 40, ain’t that easy. And right now, am too busy to even write and post something. But somehow, I manage.
So, 15 things to do? Before the age of 40? Now that’s something to wish for, considering that I’m fast entering the last year of my 20s. That leaves me with just 11 years, but what the heck! Here goes…
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1. First things first. I wanna fly to Australia. No silly, not growing my own wings for that. I mean I wanna go to Australia. I’ve been planning on this for quite a long time. And I even dropped it a couple of times from my list of must-do things, for various reasons. But now, with support from all sides, am working on it and hopefully this will be the first thing to be granted in my long list of wishes. Probably before 30.(Fingers crossed tight. Ouch!)
2. “Drop the bomb and snatch Sin.” I know what that sounds like, but don’t worry, am not planning on a WW3. Those who know me and the Sin am talking about, and is aware of the issues we face in getting together, would have got the picture now. And for those who don’t, am sorry, but it’s hard to explain. So I wouldn’t go into details on this now.
3. My DreamWorks. YES, am talking about DreamWorks, the Hollywood production house, and NO am not planning to buy it out. But I wanna set up a small studio like that and grow big from there on. Am an animation and sfx freak. I love cartoons. I love comics. I love superhero movies like Spiderman. Am a graphic designer and animator by profession, and I’ve struggled and sacrificed a lot to be where I am now, even if it doesn’t seem like a big achievement when seen by an onlooker. My own studio, like DreamWorks and Pixar, is my ultimate dream. Am working on that, and just for y’all to know… if you ever come across the name cubixart sometime later in your life, remember me. ’Coz that’s where am gonna start. That’s gonna be my studio name. (www.cubixart.com)
4. Repay my debts…both in kind and/or cash. Yes, I owe a lot of them both to a lot of people, even if they never asked me for anything in return, for their unconditional support in the most crucial phases of my life. My parents, my sister, my cousins, my friends, all included. My only concern is, am late in doing it.
5. Be a hunk. Woo the babes.
(hahahahaha… Me? A hunk? Wooing babes? God! Hahahahahaha…)
Ok, jokes apart, am talking of working out. Getting into shape. (No wooing or shooing babes involved here, I swear). Never in my wildest dreams did I think people would call me FAT! Hmmm…I think this should have been first on the list. Anywayz.
6. Dream room, in a dream house. Now that’s one of my crazy dreams. ‘Coz everybody has a dream house and so do I…but my dream room, is different. My dream house can be on the beach, in the country side, in the jungle or even a lush green hill station. But wherever it is, I have this dream room in there that’s totally…completely planned, designed and built in my mind. From the material of the door hinges to which button switches on what. I have no intentions of discussing that here though, ‘coz it’s my dream room and it’s gonna be there only in my mind till I actually build it. It’s gonna be unique and now y’all know something like this exists in my head ;)
7. Adopt a child. My humble contribution towards the millions of needy children in the world.
8. Horses. Dogs. I love horses. I love horses. I love horses. Such beautiful creatures. And I love dogs. Such faithful and adorable beings. I wanna have a lot of them around me. That’s gonna be a long term plan. Not something to be done before am 40. But atleast, I’ll have a couple of dogs and maybe a horse. Now don’t picture me on a horse in the streets of Bangalore. Nevah! This is definitely gonna be in Australia only. Be a part time cowboy maybe :)
9. Fly a helicopter. Another of my long cherished dreams. I love ‘em choppers. Always have had a fascination for them. Amazing machines. I so badly wanna fly one. Not just fly IN one. I used to say I’ll do it at least once before I die. But then, what’s the point in trying to fly it when I can’t even figure out if it’s the controls or my walking stick that am holding????
10. Travel the world. Ok, maybe not travel the whole world before am 40. O’coz I could do it if I wanted to, right? That crazy old scientist did it in just 80 days when even the Wright bros were repairing bicycles, didn’t he? Anyways, the point is, I wanna travel to as many places as I can before am 40. I wanna travel in such a way that I can enjoy every single moment of it. Am not that keen on taking a flight and going and staying in some star hotel and going around in a cab, nope. I wanna live every moment of that travel, to the fullest.
11. Learn to dance. No classical dance nor to be a great dancer. And I don’t mean just jumping around like a mad monkey in a discotheque. Just wanna learn to move myself to the music. Just get into the groove. (I can hear someone laughing…)
12. Go trekking... into deep jungle. Back to the jungle. I love it. And I wanna explore it. Deep. Deeper. The last time I went to the jungle, I really missed trekking into it. I was like a child who was taken to Disneyland but not allowed to take any of the rides. It was terrible.
13. Drive an off-roader, top speed, filmy ishtyle. I love cars. I love a few classic ones. I love a few that “has class”. And I love many of the off-raoders. I love driving too. I just wanna rip across the terrains in a sturdy vehicle, once at least.
14. Be romantic. Am very unromantic as of now. Am quite horny, but not so romantic (heeheehee) I don’t buy her flowers. I don’t sing sweet li’l stupid songs to her. I never went down on my knees and said “Marry me” or “Be my valentine” to her. I never took her to a couples only party and jived to the music. I never had a candle light dinner with soft music playing in the BG. I never popped surprises at her. I never bought her things I would have really love to. In other words, am never romantic. So it’s high time I did something about it. I wanna take her to the beach and walk on the wet sand, holding her hand and the cool breeze on our face. I wanna spend the evening with my arms around her, enjoying the sun set. I wanna jump out of the corner with a bouquet of flowers, just to see the surprised expression on her face. I wanna do a lot of things. And all that and more before I start using dentures.
15. And the last but not the least thing I wanna do. Kiss in the rain. Do I need to elaborate on that? I guess not ;)
Phew! Ok, this is a quick draft. Didn’t do any mathematics to find out exactly what 15 things I would like to do in the next 11 years. But these are the 15 things out of the many more that I wanna and may do. Things I may not be able to enjoy much at an older age as I would now.
Do pardon me.
2. “Drop the bomb and snatch Sin.” I know what that sounds like, but don’t worry, am not planning on a WW3. Those who know me and the Sin am talking about, and is aware of the issues we face in getting together, would have got the picture now. And for those who don’t, am sorry, but it’s hard to explain. So I wouldn’t go into details on this now.
3. My DreamWorks. YES, am talking about DreamWorks, the Hollywood production house, and NO am not planning to buy it out. But I wanna set up a small studio like that and grow big from there on. Am an animation and sfx freak. I love cartoons. I love comics. I love superhero movies like Spiderman. Am a graphic designer and animator by profession, and I’ve struggled and sacrificed a lot to be where I am now, even if it doesn’t seem like a big achievement when seen by an onlooker. My own studio, like DreamWorks and Pixar, is my ultimate dream. Am working on that, and just for y’all to know… if you ever come across the name cubixart sometime later in your life, remember me. ’Coz that’s where am gonna start. That’s gonna be my studio name. (www.cubixart.com)
4. Repay my debts…both in kind and/or cash. Yes, I owe a lot of them both to a lot of people, even if they never asked me for anything in return, for their unconditional support in the most crucial phases of my life. My parents, my sister, my cousins, my friends, all included. My only concern is, am late in doing it.
5. Be a hunk. Woo the babes.
(hahahahaha… Me? A hunk? Wooing babes? God! Hahahahahaha…)
Ok, jokes apart, am talking of working out. Getting into shape. (No wooing or shooing babes involved here, I swear). Never in my wildest dreams did I think people would call me FAT! Hmmm…I think this should have been first on the list. Anywayz.
6. Dream room, in a dream house. Now that’s one of my crazy dreams. ‘Coz everybody has a dream house and so do I…but my dream room, is different. My dream house can be on the beach, in the country side, in the jungle or even a lush green hill station. But wherever it is, I have this dream room in there that’s totally…completely planned, designed and built in my mind. From the material of the door hinges to which button switches on what. I have no intentions of discussing that here though, ‘coz it’s my dream room and it’s gonna be there only in my mind till I actually build it. It’s gonna be unique and now y’all know something like this exists in my head ;)
7. Adopt a child. My humble contribution towards the millions of needy children in the world.
8. Horses. Dogs. I love horses. I love horses. I love horses. Such beautiful creatures. And I love dogs. Such faithful and adorable beings. I wanna have a lot of them around me. That’s gonna be a long term plan. Not something to be done before am 40. But atleast, I’ll have a couple of dogs and maybe a horse. Now don’t picture me on a horse in the streets of Bangalore. Nevah! This is definitely gonna be in Australia only. Be a part time cowboy maybe :)
9. Fly a helicopter. Another of my long cherished dreams. I love ‘em choppers. Always have had a fascination for them. Amazing machines. I so badly wanna fly one. Not just fly IN one. I used to say I’ll do it at least once before I die. But then, what’s the point in trying to fly it when I can’t even figure out if it’s the controls or my walking stick that am holding????
10. Travel the world. Ok, maybe not travel the whole world before am 40. O’coz I could do it if I wanted to, right? That crazy old scientist did it in just 80 days when even the Wright bros were repairing bicycles, didn’t he? Anyways, the point is, I wanna travel to as many places as I can before am 40. I wanna travel in such a way that I can enjoy every single moment of it. Am not that keen on taking a flight and going and staying in some star hotel and going around in a cab, nope. I wanna live every moment of that travel, to the fullest.
11. Learn to dance. No classical dance nor to be a great dancer. And I don’t mean just jumping around like a mad monkey in a discotheque. Just wanna learn to move myself to the music. Just get into the groove. (I can hear someone laughing…)
12. Go trekking... into deep jungle. Back to the jungle. I love it. And I wanna explore it. Deep. Deeper. The last time I went to the jungle, I really missed trekking into it. I was like a child who was taken to Disneyland but not allowed to take any of the rides. It was terrible.
13. Drive an off-roader, top speed, filmy ishtyle. I love cars. I love a few classic ones. I love a few that “has class”. And I love many of the off-raoders. I love driving too. I just wanna rip across the terrains in a sturdy vehicle, once at least.
14. Be romantic. Am very unromantic as of now. Am quite horny, but not so romantic (heeheehee) I don’t buy her flowers. I don’t sing sweet li’l stupid songs to her. I never went down on my knees and said “Marry me” or “Be my valentine” to her. I never took her to a couples only party and jived to the music. I never had a candle light dinner with soft music playing in the BG. I never popped surprises at her. I never bought her things I would have really love to. In other words, am never romantic. So it’s high time I did something about it. I wanna take her to the beach and walk on the wet sand, holding her hand and the cool breeze on our face. I wanna spend the evening with my arms around her, enjoying the sun set. I wanna jump out of the corner with a bouquet of flowers, just to see the surprised expression on her face. I wanna do a lot of things. And all that and more before I start using dentures.
15. And the last but not the least thing I wanna do. Kiss in the rain. Do I need to elaborate on that? I guess not ;)
Phew! Ok, this is a quick draft. Didn’t do any mathematics to find out exactly what 15 things I would like to do in the next 11 years. But these are the 15 things out of the many more that I wanna and may do. Things I may not be able to enjoy much at an older age as I would now.
Do pardon me.
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Is the friendship turning to something more?
After much brooding and brain scrambling, you come to a conclusion.
Yes, am in love.
You look around. You see yourself in a wonderland, filled with green meadows, beautiful flowers, clear blue sky, crystal clear stream, butterflies fluttering by. You search for someone you can break this new discovery to. And finally when you do, they all flaunt you. Make fun of you. Feel happy for you. Or maybe even feel jealous of you. But you don’t care. You get on with your newfound life. Your new found interest. Your love.
The first few months, everything goes great for the two of you. It’s just love everywhere you go and in everything you do. And why not? You are best of friends, now more than that. But as life goes on, things start changing. Something seems different every time you care to look around. The wonderland has fewer flowers. There are signs of a thundershower in the sky. The stream is much drier than it ever was. You don’t understand why. You suddenly seem to be too obsessed with your love. Your best friend is now someone you often have arguments with. Sometimes even fight with. Somewhere along the way, you left the fact that your love was your best friend who stood by you through it all. You tend to find faults with that person which you never cared about earlier. Sometimes that ends up in turning you whole life into a hellhole. One fine day you decide 'maybe we should be just friends'.
And that’s where you end. Just friends. Not even the best friends you used to be. It’s a total fall out. The question is, why?
Why is it that we tend to hurt the person we love so much?
Why is it that as friends we have no reservations whatsoever but as lovers things change between the same pair?
Why is it that as friends we understand each other better but as lovers we seem to have so many misunderstandings?
I know what you must be wondering now. “What happened to this guy? Did he breakup with his girlfriend or something?” Oh, no. Never. But we did go through some bad phases. And at times I even thought I shouldn’t be ruining her life like this. I thought maybe I should let her go ‘coz she’s never gonna be happy with me. I told her that I got such thoughts. And she asked me if I could actually get her out of my system.
I thought about it (just for a second, heehee).
Hell. No. I can never get her out of my thoughts. I go nuts if I don’t see her even a day. She’s my dream. How can I ever let go of that?
And she told me, neither can she.
And we were back to being normal people again :)
Somebody had asked me, is it really worth being in a relationship? Sure there are quite some moments filled with love that you may cherish, but so often you have problems cropping up and you end up hurting each other. Is it worth all the trouble just to enjoy those few nice moments?
Yes. It is worth all that and more...for me atleast. Even though we have had so many bad moments and have been at the verge of killing each other (exaggeration, kindly note...we ain't that bad ;) ) the fact remains that the moments we cherish are the best we have ever had and will anytime overlay the bad moments. Like the warm hug after "settling a fight". That is so amazing, that no matter how bad or stupid the fight was, everything disappears...just like that.
The difference between friendship and love is how much you can hurt each other. I feel, instead of just falling in love with your friend, maybe you should try befriending the person you love too. I don’t know if that’s how it works, but it ought to, right?
I have a fool in me. One who feels too much, talks too less, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. I need to tame this fool. And life can be a lot better. It’s a thought worth trying. I would, 'coz I dont hate love.
And my special someone, is really worth it.
Like someone said,